All tied up

February 11, 2018

All tied up.

 

As the title says; I’m not talking about my hair, but about myself. Every now and then I get all tangled up and I can be such a burden to myself.

There are moments that I am lost and those are the moments in which I wonder what the fuck I’ve started with this journey. Those are the moments I’d rather just do nothing at all. And sometimes I even think about being back in my house in Barcelona and locking myself out of the world and playing a game of FIFA or something like that.

 

A good friend of mine offered me a good reflection recently. He looked me in the eye and said “Justin, you don’t really show us the tough moments and let us know when you feel sad and down. It seems as if everything happens easily. It cannot be like this, you are not like this.” I hadn’t looked at it like this. I feel fairly open about my feelings in my blogs or perhaps still not completely? And is it visible on Instagram or Facebook, my insecureness or emotion?

I felt confronted, he obviously had a point. I often feel much worse than I show on social media and that is where most people follow me. A blog seems to be more like a moment of reflection. I look back on something and try to explain what it brings me. But the pure emotion, it’s true I keep the emotions to myself and rarely show it to the world.

 

Everything has a reason, this too. Sometimes I’m on my bike and the only thing I want to do is get off, kick an ordinarily trashcan and just leave everything behind. And believe me, those moments appear more often than you think. A long day of cycling is a true rollercoaster of really intense emotions. My emotions are like mountains and valleys, ups and downs. The last period proved to be harder than I anticipated beforehand. Not the best time in my life. Lots of thinking, loads of questions and not a lot of answers. It is not easy to just peddle them away those thoughts. Sometimes when I really have to work hard to cycle, to really peddle my lungs out or when everything runs really smooth, at those moments the thoughts leave. But during the long and lonely days those thoughts quickly re-appear. Which makes it so really frustrating sometimes. But well, imagine, you’re cycling on a long lonesome road with a sharp wind that seems to cut through everything, cuts your breath, your body and it feels as if the surroundings get more miserable with every meter. Who is there to make you feel better? Who’s there to say; whatever you do Justin, just keep on peddling, because you know there’s always a silver lining. As you guessed; no one is there to cheer me on, the only one able to do this is on that same bike with me and is suffering from that same wind. I have to be that person as well.

Being that person is difficult when you’re not feeling very happy and you have no one besides yourself to depend on. Just think about it. This makes you realise how nice it is to have someone to talk to or to just be taking out of a situation by someone.

 

If I were to share all my feelings with the world, with you guys, through social media, I’d only be confronted with it more I think, so what good does it do when I share? Everyone will share my negative feelings and I only want to get over it. Do you get  

it why I find this so hard to only even make the decision to share this or not? I don’t want to be stuck in these negative feelings but I’d like to change it, get out of the worries, so does it help to share it or not? That’s what I am wondering about.

I try to cheer up myself right away, for instance I might think of a nice warm bed I’ll try to find that night or a nice meal I’ll cook and eat while enjoying a lovely documentary or an episode of ‘voetbal inside’.

It’s the little things that push and motivate me. I always try to see the humour in everything but I’m not always able to laugh with and about myself.

 

It doesn’t have anything to do with wanting to show these moments or not. And I know that emotions need to be there, best not push them away but let them appear. The sooner the emotions will disappear again instead of fighting it. Sometimes it’s better to accept them and allow them to take over, just for a while. I know I was crying quite a bit during my time in New Zealand, was it really because I was sad? I think it’s an emotion that goes with it, with the tension, the loneliness. This hasn’t happened just now, maybe because I don’t give in to it? Or it’s just not there. And I know a more difficult period is just a period in time as well, not a lifetime.

 

You know the funny thing? I felt this period coming up too. That’s just absurd, right? You know about the risks of a more difficult period already and still aren’t able to change a thing. After a period of visits from family and friends, so having to say goodbye. All by yourself again,a recipe for feeling lonely because of the contrast. Crossing the Portuguese border, another form of saying goodbye, leaving everything you know, where your coffee tastes wonderful, where you can get good and cheap supplies and the way just everything is handled there. It’s funny how quickly you adjust to everything. And now back to the wide landscapes of Spain, Andalusia and here it all starts again. You have to find out about almost everything, not just on the bike, but also about a lot of other things. All countries have their own way of living, shopping, eating.

Do I give in to it when I know it’s coming, that sadness, or is it because it offers me the chance to get to know myself even better? I think the latter, if only to really notice the positive side of it. 

 

It’s also about the realisation of being on the road for three months now. Three months already, which is quite a period of time and still nothing compared to what I have planned. This is only the first part. And I am still so much looking forward to the rest of my journey, even though I feel a bit down now. As I wrote earlier, it’s the contrast that makes life interesting. Without black there wouldn’t be white and without beautiful there wouldn’t be ugly and that is how I see it, that is how I feel it. My way.

 

Maybe addressing it so thoroughly now means I can open up more to these tougher moments and share them with everyone. So when you read this and see why I still tend to avoid my feelings, you’ll understand. ‘It’s all about keeping up the spirit.’

I just put on a lovely tune, you might have heard of it…

“… always look on the bright side of life…” Monty Python, a true satire, but still so true…

The sun is shining, I focus on what lies ahead. Tied up, unravel, no longer tied up. A lot of knots will follow and still I keep going, just travel, learn and explore, the world and myself.

 

So just give a whistle with me..

 

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best
And

Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life

 

Monty Python 1979 Life of Brian Lyrics by Eric Idle

 

 

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